Coachella’s line-up this year hearkens back to the past—not the old past, but my past, to the bands that were popular when I was in high school. To keep in the spirit of things, I’ve reviewed all of Friday’s bands as I might have done in Freshman English at Booker T. Washington High School in Tulsa.

Today’s format? All haikus!

Coachella Security

Pat me down just once?

Why not twice? Now I’ve lost my

fucking sunglasses.

Beardyman

Bested Doug E. Fresh!

Not historically, but you

don’t seek OT III.

DAM-Funk

Haaaaaate Facebook haters?

Keep perspective: out there’s TEN

THOUSAND boogie fans!

Beer Tent

No drinks out, I get.

But no water bottles in?

How does that make sense?

Johnny Marr

“Oi! I am human!

And I need to be loved, kids.

Just like Morrissey.”

Metric

“The List”—killer song!

If they have another one,

I didn’t hear it.

The Press No Longer Get VIP Wristbands

Why no VIP?

How can I be objective

among the riff-raff?

Japandroids

“This weekend, new song!”

What punks paid for both weekends?

Still, a nice gesture.

Alt-J

Kiss Army, it’s not.

But this gentle vocal band’s

fans love fog machines.

Timing Dilemmas

Sparks is on in TEN!

How will I see both them AND

Jello Biafra?

Lee “Scratch” Perry

No iron shirt, but…

Sunset sets look good with a

mirror on your crotch.

Jello Biafra

Among the retreads,

Something’s noble about him.

He’s never looked back.

Parma Violets

Brit Pop’s back again!

Mad lads jumping round on stage.

“Brand New Song” indeed.

Sparks

Sparse, just piano.

The irony falls away.

Angst runs down our legs.

Beach House

Heard of “Snowdon Song,

by Tony, Caro and John?

You stole it. Charming!

Infected Mushroom

Wingless Tai Fighters?

Wanted to make fun of you,

but you rocked my ASS!

Wolfgang Gartner

Best visuals yet!

Better than Amon Tobin.

Or cheap LSD.

Girl in a Headdress

Are you Sitting Bull?

No, you were raised in Brentwood.

Go fuck your own shit.

Dear Weird Hippo Men

Dear weird hippo men

The headdress girl was stupid.

You made it better!

And Still the Hippo Men

I think, still, of you.

Stone Roses won’t play my song.

But you’ve played my heart.

DJ Harvey

Super disco set!

3 a.m. eternal house:

How I like my love.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Didn’t expect this:

Not stale, great songs, and that voice!

Oooooh… much better live.

FOALS

Well, that’s a weird trick,

To make your screams sound like yawns.

Oh, wait, that’s the crowd.

Grinderman

When Nick Cave found soul,

That was a better day for me,

Than first gettin’ laid.

Jurassic 5

Classic rap talents.

Dredlock dude’s rhymes are so tight

People stopped dancing.

Blur

There’s no other way.

Have to leave before you play.

Too much bands! Too much…

-D. M. Collins