March 20th, 2012 | Interviews

ward robinson

Hunx came from Arizona but moved to Babylonia-by-the-bay and became America’s heartthrob—with plenty of throb—once he got his stack o’ Punx behind him. His new solo LP, Hairdresser Blues—recorded by the Voidoids’ Ivan Julian, whose life and taste Hunx of course managed to change—is out now on Hardly Art and whiplashes from unflinchingly personal goodbye songs for Jay Reatard and Hunx’s dad to punky-poppy-glammy should-be-singles about love, lust and indulgence. He joins Chris Ziegler and Matt Dupree in conference call while naked, as per usual: “This is not a sexy threeway,” he says. “Unfortunately, I’ve been in less sexy threeways than this.”

Is your toilet wearing a wig right now?
Sometimes. Right now my fridge is wearing a wig. You gotta do something to make yourself happy.
Who is your dream hair client?
Britney Spears, duh! I’ll pick her literally in any state and form. She’s my favorite celebrity. I like a lot of celebs but I can’t get over Britney for some reason. No one has pulled any stunts like her in the last ten years, if you think about it. Not even Courtney Love has anything on that bitch. Except Ke$ha maybe. She doesn’t go crazy, but I hear she picks random guys from clubs and they show up at her hotel and she has a bottle of whiskey and there’s fisting and stuff.
What about Miley Cyrus?
I feel like Miley might go cray and I can’t wait to watch. I love all that kinda stuff for reals, tho, I hope you know.
Now that you live in L.A., have you had your own intense celebrity encounters?
I’ve only seen kinda busted celebs. Like Flea.
Flea’s a philanthropist! He helps kids!
I know, I know, I’m just kidding! I love him. He’s kinda hot, too. I remember I jacked off to that picture of the Red Hot Chili Peppers with socks on their dicks when I was young.
Who’s your all-time ranking celebrity crush?
I woulda said Matt Dillon but I’m over him. I loved him for so long, though. I loved him in The Outsiders. He’s so hot, especially when he’s lying all fucked-up in the hospital bed.
What would happen if you and King Tuff were ever roommates?
It’d be perfect! He’s my best friend! I’m actually friends with his mom. We text and she sends me presents. I think she’s sending me socks right now. I love all moms. Not all moms, but a lot of moms. I’m actually friends with Michelle Santamaria [from Hunx and his Punx, the Pinkz and Loli and the Chones]’s mom. She’s AMAZING. We played this show opening for Best Coast—this huge show—and they wouldn’t let us have anyone backstage—I don’t know if it was cuz Drew Barrymore was coming? But Michelle’s mom couldn’t come back, and we thought she’d left. We were SO drunk and spying on Drew Barrymore. She was smoking an electronic cigarette and all over Best Coast like crazy! Me and Michelle leave and we’re smoking and stumbling and her mom pops out of nowhere—‘Whoa, your mom’s still here?’ We text too and she told me she’s gonna show me the neighborhood and watch out for gangs. It was cute!
Were you actually going to live with Tuff?
We planned to live together but then he got this better deal. We made a deal with each other that if one of us makes it—for real makes it, whatever that means—and has a mansion, we have to let the other guy live there no matter what. Whoever bought the mansion probably gets more of it, but we haven’t negotiated terms yet.
Would this be like a begrudging guest-bedroom situation?
It probably would be because he’s so competitive and so am I, unfortunately. In a really bratty brother way. I don’t think in real life we’re like that.
Have you ever had a roommate who didn’t even know about the whole Hunx thing, and was just standing there frozen as you like put a wig on the refrigerator?
I’m currently living with this Australian guy and I keep forgetting he’s here and wandering around naked. I think I horrify him.
Aren’t there people who’d pay to have you wander around naked?
Send ’em my way cuz I’m broke as fuck.
Didn’t you have a show where people were fighting to drink your piss from a cup?
Yeah … well, piss from a beer bottle, but yeah.
Where do you go from there? Once people want to drink your piss?
Where do you go? Downhill, obviously! Let’s be honest here.
We found this article doing a critical review of your dick—
I saw that too! It weirds me out! It’s a super-intellectual article about my body and penis, and I’m like … whoa? I have no idea who that guy is. I have this stalker blog, and once in a while I’ll look at it even though I kind of can’t deal—there’s so many retarded pictures of me—but I found it on there and was like … what the fuck is this? On one of those Tumblr things—fuckyeahsethbogart or something. I haven’t looked at it in like a month or so, so maybe it sucks now, but that’s how I found that article. They know more about me than I do. There’s only one naked photo of me I’m kind of bummed about. It’s me in this Hole half-shirt and I don’t have a boner and I look kind of ugly and this fucking asshole I was dating put it on his Tumblr to be cool—while we were dating! But I didn’t find out till after, and I got fucking so pissed. It got reblogged like a thousand times so now it’s a lost cause. Now when you google my name there’s my dick and a Hole half T-shirt.
Which part would you fix if you could only pick one? The dick or the T-shirt?
I love Hole, so I’d probably give myself a boner and cover my face.
Do you still have your famous photo album full of pictures of you naked with stuffed animals?
Yeah, and also I just want you to know I’m naked right now too. You guys should both get naked. I’m under the covers though. I wanted to get naked because the last time you interviewed me I was naked, and I felt like that was one of the best interviews I’ve ever done in my whole life. I’m trying to get a boner right now but it’s totally not working.
Do you have an emergency boner protocol? Like when the submarine gets in trouble and they’re like, ‘Surface! Surface!’?
If someone’s taking a picture of me nude, I’ll probably already have a boner cuz I’m disgusting and an exhibitionist. There was this guy in Paris who put me in his car and was trying to get me to take my clothes off, and I was like, ‘No, no, I can’t!’ And of course I did and instantly had a boner, and he got a picture of it—and literally ten minutes later it’s on my Facebook.
Didn’t that one make your mom mad?
Yes! Then it’s all over the place. Like—oh god, just cuz I got horny for some sick-ass old man! I have a new business plan—do you want me to tell you? It’s called Hollywood Hunx, and it’s a cleaning service. Hot young dudes or old dudes—all kinds of dudes, but hot ones—and they come over to your house and clean it wearing next to nothing. There’s gonna be a website and you pick the guy and what they wear.
Did you ever do anything like that? Hire the dude or be the dude who gets hired?
I did make a porno when I was 18. In San Francisco. I moved there and I was broke and horny and there were always these ads in the back of papers for like jack-off vids—
What happens when you actually answer those ads?
What happens is some pervert films you jacking off, and you get $200. It’s like nothing, right? When you’re 18 and it’s the late 90s—cuz I’m OLDER—it’s kind of a lot!
What kind of business experience from your salon and vintage store, Down At Lulu’s, is going to help make Hollywood Hunx a reality?
I’m the worst businessman ever. I just think I have good ideas.
What’s a classic Hunx mistake, so everyone know’s what not to do?
Spending it all right away! Blowing your load way too soon! And not preparing for the future, and not saving anything, and owing people money. Once I was buying clothes for Down at Lulu’s and I bought this 80s dance outfit and put it out for sale, and this horrified girl comes to the register like, ‘Um … there’s something in here!’ And she ran out of the store, and I looked in there … and there was a Maxi-Pad stuck to the outfit! All dirty. Like leftover from the 80s!
That is like crime-scene gross.
I know! And I felt so bad—I just didn’t look in there. One homeless guy used to come in and show me his boner. That was kinda cool. When I used to work there alone, he’d come in and literally start fucking the glass jewelry case that I was sitting by—like rubbing up on it and asking me to put on a skirt. I was like, ‘Sir … you have to leave!’
What is the best thing to do when you take a picture of your own dick?
My all-time favorite way—I didn’t make this up, but I feel like it’s my thing—is I love to put a pair of sunglasses on it. It’s hot and cool and funny at the same time. Or like a little hat? Or a little dumbbell or something? A little weight set so it can do some workouts? You know how I told you I have that binder? I put googly eyes above my dick and it looks like a nose.
You should do an art book of all these.
I wanted to do that! But technology took over. It’s all Photobooth and cellphones. I stopped taking my good pictures of me naked. I’m such an idiot.
You are the only person I’ve ever heard complain that technology has prevented you from showing naked pictures of yourself to people.
I mean quality naked pictures! It’s the principle. It was this old camera with a remote, so I’d set up scenes. And the camera could only hold ten pix, so I tried to make it really good! It took some effort. I kinda miss that shit.
Is this like that line from ‘Private Room’? Where you mention all the ‘secrets’ you have?
I honestly don’t have any secrets. That was just written from a romantic point of view—about the person not knowing me. ‘Yeah, I got some secrets—I’m a fucking weirdo. I’m a gross person—you’re in for a surprise!’
Do people who want to date you know who you are? Or do you … surprise them?
Let’s just say … dating is not really that easy. Especially if you’re someone like me. It can be a little more complicated.
Do you get people who want to date you just so they can be like, ‘Ha, I dated Hunx!’?
Not even that but I’m like, ‘Fuck! I don’t wanna have to explain all this shit and justify it! I am who I am.’ It’s not my fault! I’m just like this little ol’ granny. It’s true! I’m so tame. Everyone does a lot of stupid shit their whole life, but not everyone has it documented so closely. If you wanna date me, don’t give me a hard time for shit I did in my past. I did all kinds of stupid shit. I made zine called Beans for Teens—fake sex stories about celebrities. Then I had one about Macaulay Culkin called Mac and Me that was really cute. I had one about Applebee’s, and one about puberty.
How did it end?
I turn into a man. It was called Puberty Strike. I was so fucking bored in Tucson and I didn’t really have many friends cuz I was into weird shit—I wasn’t really into getting crazy and partying at the time so I made all these weird zines. Whatever though—at least I did something creative with my time. I don’t think staying there would have been an option. I almost think if I had stayed, I’d almost make cooler stuff cuz I’d be so bored and have no friends. Maybe I would have done something insane by now?
Nothing you’ve done so far qualifies?
I dunno—hopefully I’ll get there!
What happened to you between writing with the Punx and writing this album? Where did these songs come from?
It was just more me in my bedroom—weirder songs. It just didn’t fit. The stuff Hunx was doing at the time, a lot of it was with Shannon. And we’re still gonna do stuff together. But it was more of an oldies vibe, and I kind of did as much of that as I could. I was just over it. I was writing songs just as they were coming to me—I felt more like I wanted to do it on my own.
Do you think you’ll ever retire Hunx?
Sometimes I think that. What’s Hunx gonna be doing when he’s 50 and wearing a diaper? There’s this Bikini Kill song that really influenced me when I was a teenager, and it says something about, ‘You’re only 22/don’t waste your time in school.’ I should be doing this NOW. I’m not gonna wanna do this when I’m old, probably.
Are these those sad songs you’d write in the middle of the night? That we talked about before?
Yeah—I read that interview again and some of those songs are on here. Like the one about Jay Reatard and the one about my dad. There’s songs that are totally not sad and just funny, but … there’s a couple sad songs. I kinda wanted to make a really sad depressing record, but I feel like I’m only depressed two months out of the year and the rest of the months I’m pretty happy. But it’s horrible! When I’m in that phase, if I do anything at all—which is hard to do—I’ll write these really fucked-up songs.
Do you like being sad sometimes? Just reveling in despair?
I hate it, actually. For me, it’s this really long-lasting horrible thing. For the first time, I’m trying to get help to deal with it.
How do you want to balance that sadness with the rest of your life?
I feel like it’s good to be aware of it? It’s a hard question. Honestly if I could never be depressed again for the rest of my life, I’d be so into it.
What’s something you’ve been through so many times that’ll never break your heart again?
Nothing! I’m such a Pisces. I’m so sensitive. You’re the last sign of the Zodiac, and you’re sensitive to a lot of stuff. I been through some crazy shit. My dad killed himself when I was 17, and my friend killed himself in December—it sucks and I’m like … I almost didn’t even feel anything. Because I couldn’t let myself, you know? But if nothing can break you or upset you, you’re kind of a sociopath. I just don’t wanna go to a dark place anymore. Suicide for me is not an option. I just wanna make stuff the rest of my life! Oh my god—this is so after-school special!
I agree with you that writing a song for someone is the best thing you can do for their memory.
It means so much more than going to a fucking funeral and fake crying. And then what? No one cares anymore? That doesn’t mean anything to me. To me, it’s honoring that person. I’m being such a riot grrrl, but Bikini Kill have this song ‘R.I.P.’ about this gay guy who died of AIDS who was a punk rocker, and it’s the saddest song.
And now everyone knows.
Yeah—it’s so cool. It’s amazing. It’s a hard thing to do, but if you can, it’s nice to do that.
What was your most chilling experience with a fortune teller?
I had some weird-ass shit with a ouija board when I was a teen, and I started crying and threw it away. It was about my dad. A year after … it was really fucking weird. It was saying it was this lady who was going out with my dad, but my dad was dead. And it was saying all these really insane nasty things. I was doing it with a friend who would never do that—it totally freaked me out. For a million times, I’d tried to fuck with people to make it say shitty stuff, but this was FOR REALS! I haven’t done it since. I was shaking. It was horrible! I think that shit’s real!
What article of clothing did you most want to steal from Ivan Julian?
He wears some pretty fruity tops. He’s such a cool person. I got him obsessed with Britney Spears and he wants to make a Britney record with me. I just was playing a couple songs and he was liking them, and he was like, ‘Will you make me a Britney mega-mix?’ So I made it for him, and I’d go into the studio and catch him listening to it SO loud.
Are there a lot of killer unknown Britney B-sides?
If you’re a hardcore fan, you know, but there’s a lot of bonus tracks on every album in Japan. All you have to do is google it. I feel like they use all her crazy shit for her real albums, but there’s definitely some hits no one knows about. I love ‘Phonography.’ Everything she does I love and I think she gets better and better.