TUESDAY, DEC. 18

If you go to this, you will hear nothing but songs that are going to make you miserable, and you will dance to them. If you go out onto the patio, which you can, you’re going to be mangled by even more completely tragic music. I’m going to be honest with you: it doesn’t get any more promising than this. Your life is going to reach its apex when you go to this event. If you don’t go, your high point was probably sometime around when you had your first Christmas or something. Point being, life is a stupid, cruel, unfunny joke the world plays on you, and there’s no reason to pretend life gets better at 40 or any age. It gets worse. Maybe you could make this night extra special and make requests? ‘Leader of the Pack’ or ‘Candle in the Wind,’ maybe? Probably not. What’ll end up happening is you’re going to blow your money on drinks, dance slowly, alone, crying, not have enough money for the cab ride home and so you fall asleep drunk in your car, crying and masturbating. Like I said, it doesn’t get any better than this. I am not being sarcastic. You could do the same thing with a Townes Van Zandt record and Thunderbird at home, but that’s what you did last night. (KF)

DUBLAB AND PART TIME PUNKS PRESENT GIVE UP! A SLOW SAD DANCE PARTY WITH DJs ALE, BENNY SHAMBLES, FROSTY, J. MENDEZ, MICHAEL STOCK, JIMMY TAMBORELLO AND SPECIAL GUESTS AT LA CITA, 336 S. HILL ST., DOWNTOWN. 9 PM / FREE / 21+. WWW.DUBLAB.COM.