alice rutherford

Looking haggard as usual with his greasy comb-over, yet somewhat professional with his trusty old tuxedo, comedian Neil Hamburger made a few things clear to the Spaceland crowd tonight: 1) Do not walk out the door while he’s on stage making funnies. The first time someone made this mistake, Hamburger sloshed the booze from his glass at them (looked like it was too late to make contact, though). Then he claimed that he had paid a man standing by the door $1,700 — “a very small portion of what I’m being paid tonight” — to shoot anyone who tried to leave. 2) Do not wear a Red Hot Chili Peppers T-shirt in Hamburger’s presence. When he spotted one of these offenses, he berated the wearer and then launched into his arsenal of jokes on the aging alt-rock ensemble. For example, “What’s the difference between Harriet Tubman and the Red Hot Chili Peppers? … Harriet Tubman was a heroine to the slaves; the Red Hot Chili Peppers are slaves to heroin.” 3) Hamburger’s case of smoker’s hack is as strong as ever, and he’s quick to project it into the mic to drown out hecklers. 4) Apparently, no one is safe from Hamburger’s wrath. Sarah Palin, Yo La Tengo, TGI Friday’s and Carlos Santana were among those skewered in obscene and preposterous fashion. Keep a low profile, stay away from the exit, and you just might make it through the show.

—Thomas McMahon