Dan Monick

Kail “Wendy”

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Kail is a member of Customer Service and True Hollywood Squares is his debut full-length, except for possibly the William Thedford Invitational.

When was the last time you had to haul a passed-out celebrity off a men’s room floor?
I don’t know if I ever had to do that, but one thing I will tell you—I ran into Rick James before he died—maybe a month-and-a-half before at most. I worked at a grocery store—
Customer service?
Absolutely! He came in buying alcohol and I don’t know what else—he was fucked up! To the point where somebody said something about Rick James, and I was like ‘That nigga is fucked up, whoever he is—oh shit, that’s Rick James! Ah, he’s still out and going nuts—going out and getting it done! ‘ He’s staggering through the line and shit—doesn’t know where he is—and maybe a month later I’m going to meet a lady of mine in the morning and I turn on the radio and Rick James is dead—oh, shit, I just seen this nigga! Heart failure—I know what that shit means! I don’t know if people everywhere know what it means, but in L.A if a nigga died of heart failure, it means some kind of addiction—if you think about it, any death is heart failure because your heart fails. It’s like ‘we need to find the vaguest term—this nigga was coked out and partying with white bitches when he died!’ But that’s Rick James! I don’t think it’s some kind of anti-dignifying statement to say he died that way—it’s Rick James! He deserves to die that way! Put that shit on the tombstone—it should say ‘Rick James Died In The Comfy Confines Of Coke And White Bitches—Get Off His Motherfucking Back!’ And there’s a bunch of people standing around nodding in affirmation.
Is this really your first solo album? What about the William Thedford Invitational?
That doesn’t even count—this is technically the first thing I’ve done. Honestly I was just gonna sell this shit hand-to-hand—
Like on Hollywood Boulevard?
I try to stay away from them dudes doing that! I was just gonna sell hand-to-hand—whenever I go somewhere, have something to sell. But Daddy Kev heard it and was down for the cause and it just popped off. Technically it’s the first thing but I listen and the shit sounds so rough! If other people like it, cool, but knowing what I’m working on—if you’re stunned by this, stay tuned!
What’s next?
A very short project—Newport Grooves Presents One Good Cherry Deserves Another. It’s some old school—it’s hard to explain the theory, but it’s like drinkin 7&7, smoking Newports—niggas with jheri curls is what it is. It’s more about pussy than anything else. It’s real funk, real funky—people can just go download the shit for free. Because I get lots of pussy for free—I wanna give back to the community! ‘Free pussy—here you go, go out and get your stab on!’
Why should every album be a concept album?
Every other time, it’s motherfuckers throwing a bunch of songs together—that’s a mixtape. You can do that—motherfuckers always buy mixtapes—so do mixtapes. If you’re gonna do an album, what’s the difference? The difference is it’s a fucking album—every album should have a concept. If not then it’s just a bunch of fucking songs.
What moment of clarity gave you the Hollywood Squares concept?
Part of what happened is that I was speaking to someone from Kansas City and I was talking about shit that was happening—‘Yeah, we finished a show in Hollywood’—and niggas out there don’t know any better. ‘Oh, a show in Hollywood? Oh shit, look at you—ooh la la!’ And it’s like no—it’s not even this big a deal! If I go back to Kansas City, I run into some of the girls I used to go to high school with—‘Yeah, we’re doing this in Hollywood, and putting together productions in Hollywood, and Hollywood Hollywood Hollywood…’—then you know—pussy! Ka-ching!
Can that work with any other city?
Plenty of places—a lot of these bitches don’t know better! But as far as being fair to both sides, I’m gonna put together a little project—a lot of the shit that’s glamorous, a lot of it’s like putting make-up over a pimply-ass face. You gotta know there’s some shit going on! I know a few people who are or were Hollywood recreational murderers—gangbanging is alive and well in Hollywood, drug addiction, all that shit. I don’t know a better place to find good examples of drug addiction in L.A. than Hollywood. Where else can you go and find niggas based out that used to be somebody and skinny white chicks on coke? Anybody! Pick a race, pick a demographic—somebody within that demographic is fucked up on something. There’s a lot of shit—I wanted to be fair to all sides.
How’d you practice all the characters?
It’s in my head all the time—more so than anything is Balcone. That shit’s funny to me—I actually met people in Hollywood who talk like that—dudes who come up somewhere in south New York or whatever and ended up working in film production and shit like that. They end up here—they’re ballin! They’re rolling now. We went to eat one night—I saw these guys—I’m up on all that fresh shit, I’m like, ‘Ok, this fool’s got the Pliner loafers—they’re rockin’ Torrini watches and shit, custom shirts with divided cuffs—they’re not fucking around! They’re just lounging—these dudes are for real! They’re nodding drunk, got a bunch of food and sometimes one guy might stand up—‘That’s fucking crazy! That doesn’t make sense!’ He’d be like, ‘Oh, did we just leave that place? I was gonna fuck you up!’ We’re sitting next to them just laughing, and they’re like, ‘Hey, what’s going on? Did you just leave this party?’ ‘Yeah, we just left.’ ‘OK, check this out—this guy right here—no lie, his wife’s gorgeous—an ex-porn actress! And this guy, his fuckin’ wife is at my house right now! I bullshit you not!’ We’re laughing and he’s yelling this out so the whole restaurant can hear—they’re going for it! He’s talking to my sister—‘A couple respectable girls like you—don’t end up like these guys’ wives!’ I’m sitting there dying, and at that point the meal is over—they leave and pay for our shit, too. That was like partially one of the greatest moments in my existence in Hollywood—to see some real dudes like that and watch them really get down. Yeah, that’s the stuff—I like that!
Who left that angry message on ‘Motorola Twins’?
That’s my mom!
She was pissed.
That’s my mother.
Does she know it’s on the record?
Yeah, she knows! I told her. Every now and then she’ll call me and do some shit like that. She works really crazy hours and she’ll hit me up late—‘Why don’t you pick up your phone?’ For some reason, she hits me up whenever I’m out somewhere. If I got two sexy chocolate freaks and the phone rings—‘Oh, shit—hey, mom!’ That always happens—if you ever see me with two sexy chocolate freaks about to run into the spot and I pick up the phone, from a distance you know who it is—my mom!
What happened when you saw that girl fall two stories at the Roxy?
Oh, it was fucked up! One of the girls was about four steps from the promised land—almost to the ground! I look up and her friend is drunk and stumbling at the top of the damn steps, and I see one fucking heel hit the back of the other—oh shit, here it comes! This was at On The Rox in Hollywood—at that time I was the only person that could see it about to happen.
Like a slow-mo thing?
Hell yeah! I saw it getting ready to come about and it was like a whisper that came out, I was in such shock about what was gonna happen—I was just like. ‘oh…god…damn…’ in a whisper. She commended to falling downstairs—she was in the air—and right before home girl’s about to be off the stairs—she grabs this girl as she’s falling to break her fall and slams homegirl’s face into the ground. The girl who was falling didn’t hurt herself—the other girl gets up and her face is split open, like bleeding all over the front of her chest and shit. And the funny thing is she gets up and starts talking shit! ‘The security guard pushed us down the stairs!’ No, they came out after you hit the ground—damn, you fell! And after I was telling that story—every now and then, I get a little too liberal with the word ‘bitch,’ so I’m like ‘The first bitch is falling and catches the second bitch and both bitches hit the ground and the bitch is bleeding all over the place,’ and they overheard me—
This is later that night?
This is a couple minutes later. One of the girls comes over—‘What did you say? Did you call me a bitch?’ I’m just like, ‘Back up…’
Was it the girl who was bleeding?
No. But she joined in. So I’m thinking, ‘Haven’t you bitches had enough action tonight? I think you need to go home.’ I was like, ‘I don’t know if you know who I am—if I beat y’all up it’ll just make me famous! Don’t do this shit!’ And I was there with a bunch of my people, and some of my homegirls got around them with that look like ‘If they do anything…’ I’m like ‘No, no, I don’t wanna jump off like that—this is stupid.’ So I told them all—‘Be safe tonight.’
Were you thinking about how all that would make a great song?
No! I was just thinking that some wild shit just transpired—that’s all I was thinking! It was the most incredible fall I’d ever seen in my life. A very layered fall—oh-oh-oh shit!
Is there a real person behind ‘Peter Pennyworth’?
That song is more an amalgam of shit I’ve seen and dealt with and talked to different guys about—not just one dude’s story in Hollywood. I met a lot of dudes like that—and not to get into too many specifics, but I’ve been close to that point before. I’ve seen dudes get homeless, have nothing else to live for, and then they realize in a system where the law doesn’t protect you—‘Oh, well, I’m out of the law’s hands then!’ They realize that part of the theory as well. Two sides—‘The law won’t protect me, so the law doesn’t apply to me either.’ So you see these motherfuckers jaywalking and shit—slow! They just sashay across the street drunk, pants down, flipping motherfuckers off, do whatever—steal shit! Not in a slick way but just take shit—slowly put it in their pants as they walk out the door, looking at the people like, ‘Fuck you.’ What’s the worst that’s gonna happen? The worst thing is their situaion improves—they end up in jail and you gotta feed em is the worst thing that’s gonna happen.
Who wins the game on the album?
Nobody wins—it’s a cat’s game! Nobody wins. And at the end, they just fuck off. That’s it.
So what really is the sexy shit?
Me! I could get into a lot of shit and tell you other things but—me. Me. So all the women listening or reading out there, all the young freaks—I want you to know, when I’m out there, just pay homage—all I’m saying. Pay homage—all you gotta do. You ain’t gotta suck no dick and ain’t gotta buy no drinks. You can if you need to but you don’t have to. Just pay homage.

KAIL’S TRUE HOLLYWOOD SQUARES IS OUT NOW ON ALPHA PUP. VISIT KAIL AT MYSPACE.COM/THATSTHATSEXYSHIT AND ALPHAPUPRECORDS.COM.