Qui were a two-piece reptile-rock band for many years, but then they found David Yow and put him out in front. They have a 7” on Infrasonic Sound and will release a full-length later this year. They speak while sitting inside their van in San Diego.

Matt, did you do an Internet porno shoot at your house with Dana DeArmond?
Matt Cronk (guitar/vocals): Yes, that’s true. [Drummer] Paul and I lived there together, and they lived across the street and asked us if they could use our house. Did you see me?
No, I don’t have a paid membership.
MC: I’m in the shots, and those are my guitars.
Did you make any prenuptial agreements with David when he joined the band?
MC: No, but Paul and I were a little concerned that David might not be up to par.
Paul Christiansen (drums/vocals): He’s probably the greatest frontman of all time, but he couldn’t sing his way out of a wet paper bag. We had to try and teach him to sing, and so far it hasn’t worked well. But he’s a very nice guy with a magnificent dick.
I’ve read a lot about it.
MC: David, aren’t you glad your parents are dead so they don’t see that shit?
David Yow (vocals): I’m glad that it’s still celebrated. And I’m getting better. Just give me a little while.
MC: Paul, quit ragging on David so much.
PC: David, I’m sorry—it’s because you’re short and old and diminutive. You’re really nice but it’s difficult for Matt and me because we are really, really good at what we do. We’re actual musicians, and you on the other hand are not capable of any music.
Related to short and diminutive—why were you heckled by a midget in Utah?
MC: We just played and she hated us. There were two people at the whole show.
And one was a midget?
MC: And one was some lady that was like a deuce-and-a-half.
PC: So it works out to two people.
That’s a statistically unlikely crowd.
MC: It was humiliating. We ended up sleeping on the floor of some guy’s trailer, who was playing music by the godawful band we’d played with, and it was the dead of winter with no heat and military-issue sleeping bags. And no shit—he had a trash can—a regular normal trash can—filled with the worst pot I’ve ever seen in my life. I smoked a fistful of it just to go to sleep.
PC: I got so stoned my dick turned itself inside out.
Sounds like life after a nuclear war.
MC: I was hoping life after a nuclear war for me would mean I was dead, which is far better than dealing with a midget heckling you. I couldn’t even shoot back with my myriad one-liners because she was friends with the staff. Having to stand there and play my little music while being heckled by a midget was the worst thing in my life.
DY: My old band—the Jesus Lizard—played to two people there, too. Instead of a midget heckling us, it was a very tall person. Native American or something.
Sounds like it all balances out.
MC: People really like the group.
How’s the rapport with the crowd?
MC: We’ve been closing the deal consistently after every show.
Who in Qui would thrive most in prison?
DY: Me for sure. Just to be fair—I’ve spent a little time in there anyway, and I think I did OK.
MC: I’ve only been in county lock-up, and it didn’t go that well. It was horribly unpleasant and scary. I’m going to try and avoid jail.
What lessons can Qui teach to Los Angeles?
DY: Spay and neuter your pets.
PC: Your body needs water so drink that shit.
MC: One thing I can tell you in no uncertain terms: stay the fuck out of our way. If anybody looks at me funny—even a little bit!—I’ll cut their face and no one will ever love them again. If there’s one lesson we can teach Los Angeles, it’s shut the fuck up and do your job—come pay us money, enjoy the show, and shut up.
Do you have any love songs in the set?
PC: Most of yours, right, David?
DY: I have some lyrics about women I loved—one of them is Paul. And the other song is about prison. So I think I could write some lyrics about love.
What’s happening with the coming Qui full-length?
PC: We’re on Touch And Go Records. You could say we’re not, and you’d be right, but Cory really wants to put the record out, but he hasn’t met me or Matt, and he never signs a band without having met all the guys in the band. So we’re gonna meet him in a few days and if he doesn’t like Matt and me then he’s probably not gonna put the record out. But being how we’re nicer than other things that aren’t very nice—
MC: Nicer than Don Caballero.
PC: Then there’s no doubt about it. It’ll come out in August or September, at which point we’ll tour so much it would make a baboon change his ass color.
Will fans of David’s penis get what they’ve been hoping for?
DY: I only do that when I’m really feeling it. If I’m enough in the bag that I won’t remember the next day. But I’ve done it sober, too.
What other contributions will Qui make to the world of public nudity?
MC: It’s not about contributing to the world of anything—we’re gonna do our thing and we’re gonna be awesome and hopefully people will contribute to us.
Qui has been a band for a long time—how did you stick it out during the worst moments?
MC: We don’t like doing anything else. We’ve been a band for six or seven years, and we all had real careers and real relationships and real normal lifestyles, and pretty much we thought all that sucked.
David, these guys don’t push you around too much, do they?
DY: I don’t think so. Sometimes I don’t remember. But they don’t punk me around too much. They’re sweet guys.

QUI PLAYS WEDNESDAY WITH 400 BLOWS, STINKING LIZAVETA AND TRICLOPS! FOR KXLU AT THE KNITTING FACTORY, 7021 HOLLYWOOD BLVD., HOLLYWOOD. 8 PM / $12 / ALL AGES. WWW.KNITTINGFACTORY.COM.